Ep. 75: Self-care for grief and growth [Part 2]

Written By Elisabeth Fleming

[25 MIN LISTEN]

 

Looking for practices you can use on a daily basis to process your emotions and grow through your grief?

Part one on this topic [episode 73] discusses the basics of energetics and how to remain in your awareness and change your energy in those unnerving moments of grief, panic, sadness. 

In part two I wanted to share more of the granular techniques I use to help myself and my family cope with grief in those heightened moments of emotion as we move throughout our day, whether for grief, a rough patch or otherwise.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • My go-to method for regulating my nervous system throughout the day

  • A few self-care practices for honoring + growing through grief

  • How to develop the best support systems for what you're going through

  • How we approach death, loss + feelings in our family, with young children

Grief is a hard topic to cover and, likely not one you really care to see pop into your inbox but, the truth is…it comes for us all at some point + in one form or another. 

It's called the LIFE with Liz podcast for a reason - I'm not going to sugarcoat stuff. This is about keeping it REAL so you can LEARN. Life has ups, downs + in-betweens. 

This is the episode for those seasons of life that just feel off whether you're grieving a physical death, the end of a relationship, or a massive life change.  

My goal with this episode is that this is lifeline you're looking for when you want + need it. For you to feel less alone on your journey + more supported because, quite frankly, I felt like there was nothing out there to help me cope. 

I truly had to coach myself through it.

Now, with this two part episode series, you have the top tools I've developed + leaned on to help me see the light in the darkness + embrace all of who I am - big feelings + all. 

 

Episode transcript:

This is an auto-generated, unedited episode transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to The Life with Liz Podcast, the place to be if you wanna go from invisible to vibrant in your life, and embrace the power you didn't know you had inside of you. I'm your host, Liz Fleming, business owner, mom, military spouse, entrepreneur, founder, CEO, and life coach, who is passionate about helping ambitious women like you step into their power and their purpose on purpose so they can experience as much joy, success, satisfaction, and abundance as humanly possible. Now without further ado, let's dive right into this episode. Hello. Hello my friends. Welcome back to The Life with Liz podcast. So the episode I shared about self-care for grief and growth like blew up. It was really well received even though it was a very. Depressing episode, but I think grief is one of those things that not many people [00:01:00] talk about openly, and I'm just happy to be that lifeline for you. So to hear that what I'm saying is resonating with you and making you feel less alone and isolated on that journey it makes my heart feel warm and bubbly inside. So I'm happy that it's helping you. I thought it would be helpful to come back with a part two for that episode because it is a big topic. Part one discusses, we talked more behind the basic of the basics of energetics, if you will, and how to remain in your awareness, change your energy, and those unnerving moments of mourning, grief, panic, dread. There's so many different feelings and they all mean something different for all of us. In part two. This part I wanna offer up some of the more granular techniques I do to cope in my heightened moments of emotion, [00:02:00] regulate my nervous system for myself and for my family as we move throughout the day, whether it's for grief or a rough patch or otherwise, these are techniques that you can really use when you just. Feel that you are called to feel that you need to. For me, they're not grief specific. I can use these any time of day, any emotion, but they have come in particularly handy for grieving. The first is learning to regulate your nervous system, so that means knowing how to physically calm yourself without reaching for substances as a coping mechanism. That's the goal. It's let's be able to do this holistically, to do this naturally through things as simple as breathing, breathing exercises. This is [00:03:00] where awareness comes in really handy, which we talked about in part one. Know your tells, and when you know you need to change your energy, take a step back and at minimum, breathe. Take a deep breath. One of my favorite ways to breathe, it's just a form of paste. Breathing, is it's like a box breath, so I imagine a box I breathe in for four, which is one side of the box. I breathe out for four, which is the top of the box. I breathe in for four, which is the other side of the box. And then I breathe out for four, which is the bottom of the box. That's just one of my silly techniques. But do what works for you with Mississippi's, not as Ross Keller says From friends, miss. No. These are like good, long, deep [00:04:00] breaths. Four seconds inhaling for Mississippi's. And for Mississippi's exhaling, if you wanna add some additional flare. I also like to hold it for four at the top. So I'll breathe in for four, hold it for four, and exhale for at least four. I'll go as long as possible with that. So there is so much power in your breath. Use it. Believe it or not, you probably hold your breath a lot throughout the day. I didn't realize I did that until I started being so aware of my body and having that awareness of my breath and my breathing, it's oh my gosh, I think I haven't been taking like full breaths today. I'm so stressed out and there's a lot going on. So at minimum to regulate your nervous system, you can breathe. This helps so much for myself and my children with my kids. [00:05:00] With a three-year-old and a soon to be 2-year-old, it's hard to get them to take deep breaths. So my kids, I'll have 'em put a finger up to their nose and I'll say, smell the flower hour. And then I'll say, okay, now blow out the birthday candle. Thank you Miss Rachel, for that helpful tidbit, and that works pretty well. My son is getting more aware of it. He is having a lot of temper tantrums as a three and a half year old, so learning to take deep breaths on his own is. A big strength for him right now. And for me, something else I learned too for the kiddos, and actually I even do this for myself sometimes, is to make like a butterfly shape with your hands. Interlock your thumbs together and then put your hands as the butterfly on your chest and just you can hear that right? Just pat, and you can even do it really slow. And breathe and rhythm with a butterfly [00:06:00] wings. That's another great form of paced breathing. And my kids love it 'cause they're like, oh my gosh, a butterfly. Cute. So those few things really help in terms of breathing techniques, and it sounds so silly and basic, but. Remember to breathe. Dude, there's so much power in your breath. In part one, I also talked a lot about release work and the more you practice the active releasing of your grief and trauma trapped emotions and more tied to those memories, the easier it becomes to raise your awareness and your vibration. And you find that over time you don't enter that fight or flight mode so much by releasing such big energies that don't serve you. You're almost subconsciously regulating your nervous system on a daily basis simply by doing that work. At least that's the case in my experience. Okay, next. Actively seek [00:07:00] what stimulates your relief, your interests, and your energy. So look after yourself. Get fresh air. Go somewhere new, or go somewhere you love. Learn something new. I recently started playing tennis again. I never really played it before. I like to, I like the idea of it. In middle school, I picked up a racket and I was like, oh, this is fun. And then softball, kinda, and soccer took over my life. I started taking a tennis clinic and I was like, wow, this is just awesome. And I started doing yoga again once a week. Those little things stimulate my relief and my, my energy so much. And one of them is super active and the other one can be active, but it's more of I'm doing the beginner deep stretch, mostly just breathing classes. And for me it's so amazing to have those, both ends of the spectrum. So if you're. For example it can be an activity like the example I just gave, but also on the flip side, like if you're visiting somewhere used to [00:08:00] frequent with your lost loved one, for example, it's understandable how hard that can be for you, but eventually you can reframe yourself to see it as a comfort, as a way that they can still be a part of your life without them physically being there. It's also important to take care of your body and your health In this regard, grief is a slippery slope. This is where it's important to ask yourself, when do I feel most in alignment? Physically, mentally, emotionally. What does alignment even look and feel like for me? Are there sensations, certain emotions? Detail it and visit it often so you know where to redirect yourself. Because that's the goal here is redirecting yourself and your energy in those moments of darkness and dread, and remembering that your energy, it doesn't come from other people. So when I ask you that question, when do I feel most in alignment? What does that look like for [00:09:00] me, it would be easy to say, when you know if so and so is here, who passed away, it'd be easy for me. They made me feel like I was home. But while that may be the case, I want you to dig deeper and I want you to look within yourself. Energy comes from within. It's not, you don't need ex, an external source or external validation. And of course those things help. We love our loved ones, but when you answer these questions, I really want you to see it from that lens. So detail it and visit. What feels most in alignment for you? Often, again, so you know where to redirect yourself and your energy on your own. In those moments of, I say darkness and dread, but it's also like panic. Sometimes you really spiral and it's so hard to get out. So having that feeling of what you love and enjoy, just visualizing it in your mind will activate [00:10:00] that positive energy for you and help you redirect your thoughts. So to actively stimulate this muscle, you can try a new activity, expand your social circle one conversation at a time, join a support group, go on a hike, a walk, whatever your sauce is, seek it. Don't forget about yourself, don't get lost. For me, it's focusing too on my spiritual growth and developing my psychic abilities, which is incredibly important to me. I have very personal practices that provide me such comfort in this realm. I know that when I do those, I feel like I'm home and one with myself. That, for me, is alignment. Journaling is definitely a big part of that too, which is also a form of release work. And I have in the show notes, a free workbook for you that's full of journal prompts for powerful breakthroughs, so jump on that if you're curious and ready to expand. It will certainly help with things like that. [00:11:00] It's not grief specific, but it's really more all encompassing and I think you'll get a lot out of it. I also love getting lost in a good book. Like that for me stimulates my interests and my relief fiction or nonfiction. During this period of grief, I've really read a lot of fiction. It started as escapism, which I don't advocate for. A way to step outside of the constant thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head. But now it's become more of a form of stimulation and meditation. The more I do it, the better I can function, the happier I feel, just by temporarily placing myself in someone else's world, but remaining in my awareness. It really gives me such a fond appreciation of others' creativity and it being there for me as a resource in my healing journey. And yes, I'm talking about a cord of Thorn and roses because whoa, how did it take me 10 years to find this series? I'm in the thick of it peeps. I'm finally on the second book [00:12:00] and Wowza, I'll leave it at that. Okay, third. Setting clear and healthy boundaries for yourself. Don't make any huge decisions for the first year. It's not the time to blow all your money on traveling the world. It's not the time to buy a new house. It's not the time to do anything that is so far outta your comfort zone. Don't give yourself more to anticipate and be overwhelmed and overstimulated by. And for more on setting healthy boundaries. I have other episodes about that I think in the. Sixties range of the show, somewhere in there. And I think I have one called Setting Healthy Boundaries for the Holidays, but it's really, there's some good tips in there that are applicable to beyond the holiday season. So for more insights on that, dive into that episode for sure. And then finally, ask for help when help is needed. This is such a big one. [00:13:00] When we're grieving, we feel like such a burden. People are often checking on us, and we feel bad when we cry in public randomly because that person walked by who had the same name tag on as the person that we lost, or name your thing. We feel like such a burden, and so it's easy, when people are checking in on us to be like, oh no, I'm fine. I'm just doing this and that, and we brush it off. That's one thing. But to proactively ask for help when the text messages stop and slow down, right? So leaning on your inner circle, that can be your family members, your closest friends, just having those regular touch points with them to check in. And maybe most times that's talking about things that are. Totally not related to your grief, and that's the support [00:14:00] that you need. So visualize what that support is for you. Like one of my favorite prompts is to ask myself, what is like the epitome of being supported? Who is in my life? What are they asking? How do they make me feel? Things like that really help. I also wanna share a side note on grieving with young children, because that's come up a lot. A few of you asked after the last episode. And throughout our experience, and this is just a whole other part of this experience for my husband and I. Having to ti having the time to grieve alone in solitude is one thing, but then having to grieve while you have small children who ask about it all the time and have very little awareness and attention span and grasp on the real world is a whole other ball game. We've decided to [00:15:00] maintain transparency with our kids. We told them our loved one passed. We don't bring it up unless they do, and when it does come up, we encourage our kids to talk about their feelings and what's on their mind. Specifically, my son, he has three and a half. He has a lot of feelings. He doesn't know what most of them are. My daughter is only 21 months at the time of this recording. All she cares about is. Farm animals and butterflies, but still like we don't shield them from it. We feel, even though they're young, death is a natural part of life and it stings when they ask, you know about our loved one, but we remain open and we maintain a positive viewpoint on death. Nana is in heaven where she is safe and at peace is our go to. Putting the bubble of light around the situation for them, that buffer versus saying oh, Nana was really sick and went to heaven, or Nana didn't feel good and she had to go [00:16:00] away. That would scare like the shit out of them. So we really focus on neutralizing any fears and avoiding that, re-traumatization for our kids in this way and focus on the. The beauty of death, like how natural it is. It's peacefulness, safety, the security, those elements. We've planted a garden with our kids. We remind them they can still speak with their lost loved ones, even if they can't physically be there with them to reply or have a conversation. My son loves to sit with Nana and says hello to her pictures and the flowers we have for her blooming in the backyard. And I think that's really special for him to have that bond without it being overbearing or confusing. And I love that he just does it naturally. And he's old enough to know Nana didn't become a plant, but that she is everywhere because those are our spiritual beliefs and. [00:17:00] Until he develops his own. So yours will be different for yourself and your children. Of course. We've also read a couple of books that have helped immensely in this regard. For our son, the invisible string is one of them. I forget who it's by, but I'll link it in the show notes light, but gets to the point, gets the point across for us. It always comes back to love and encouraging our children, like we practice ourselves to lean into our emotions, to listen to them, be open to them and talk through what you need to want to, and feel what you need to feel for a 3-year-old, that's everything all the time. God forbid I peel to apple in the wrong direction, right? So it's important not to go too deep and unpack death for them at. In great detail at such a young age. Most of us as grownups don't even know what it is either, right? It's hard for us to grasp our [00:18:00] viewpoints on it are so subjective, so we choose to keep it short and sweet and stick to our story. Our son will often randomly ask like, why did Nana die? Just like on a random Tuesday when it's we're walking in the park, it's just holy shit. Like Kapow, and. We have to be on our game. It's not something we can just brush aside. We say the same thing each and every time. As hard as it is, as hard as it is. And I also think you guys, that's been a part of mine and my husband's healing journey is to just say it from that place of peace and love over and over again. We stick to our story and for him. For Hudson, just like a squirrel, he'll jump to the next tree. Next topic. Grieving as a mother has really kept me on my toes and my husband too. Like some days we're so run down from working parenting toddlers alone and to have. [00:19:00] Grief on top of it as a talking point, death on top of it as a talking point at the dinner table. At the end of the day, when my husband and I barely get our necessary downtime together, and also our individual alone, time is so exhausting, but. We're a team and together we're stronger and that's what gets us through. So that's why I recommend lean on the resources in your inner circle, even if you don't have a partner. And this is something that you're going through alone. You have people in your life, and if you feel like you don't, there are so many support groups that are designed for this specifically. There are professionals out there who are designed to help you with this specifically. I have family members who have done grief counseling and have raved about it, and it sounds so intimidating, but these are medical professionals who specialize in death and grief. So I think it's such a power move for someone to admit that [00:20:00] they need that kind of help and to go seek it. It's incredible. And this is stuff that you can learn from a simple Google search in your area and networking talking to others. Somebody, everybody knows somebody. I live in a very small town, so I know that if that was the support I needed, I could ask and find someone that I needed, so lean on your resources in your inner circle and always follow your intuition. We all grieve differently. We all parent differently. This is just what works for us, and it will only continue to evolve. And with the kids specifically, it sucks to have to do it so early in their lives. But honestly, I wish my family had, I didn't first experience death until I was in my thirties, when my grandparents passed and I felt so untethered, it ultimately was my own inner guidance and spiritual support systems that I developed from my personal practice that helped me heal and continue to heal me and guide me on this [00:21:00] journey through grief. It is interesting the relationship I have with death now. It's so different. I'm not sure I'm ready to unpack all of those beliefs here publicly just yet, but maybe someday. So for now, I simply encourage you to take care of yourself, remain in your awareness, continue to release, not suppress your emotions. Regulate that nervous system with some nice paced breathing at minimum, and don't feel guilty about doing what you enjoy. And on the flip side, don't feel guilty about being sad either. Your emotions are an incredible gift. So let the wave pass. Let the wave arrive, let it pass. Lean into every emotion. It's got a message for you. And don't feel guilty about that. Ultimately, [00:22:00] though, I think doing what you enjoy, what feels most in alignment is what will heal you and get you through each and every tidal wave as you sail forward. And just like I mentioned in the last episode, there are some resources for support systems in the show notes, which I highly recommend checking out. This would be a great time to, make a list of those people in your life that you feel like are a part of your inner circle, who you know and trust and reach out to them or have them there so that when the grief does come, you feel like you can have someone to reach out to. Because as isolating as grief can be and sharing that with your family, especially young kids, you're never alone. And if you feel that you are, you can always reach out to me, and that's one more person in your corner. So much love my friend. You've got this and I've got [00:23:00] you. Did that go by too fast? No worries. You can always find me over at elisabethfleming.com for more information about my programs, events, and how you can take your learning further with me. If you loved this episode, leave a review. It helps more than thank you so much for tuning in. I'll catch you next time.
 

Resources mentioned: 

**These are resources for residents of the United States. For support helplines in your country, please conduct an online search specific to your location**

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DISCLAIMER

The content and material presented on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It shall not be construed as medical advice. The information and education provided are not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional medical treatment, advice, and/or diagnosis. The creator of this content does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the creator is only to offer experiential information to help the reader in his/her/their quest for emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In the event you apply any of the information provided from this content for yourself, the creator assumes no responsibility for your actions.

Elisabeth Fleming https://www.elisabethfleming.com
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Ep. 74: Numerology 101 w/ Kaitlyn Kaerhart